Destined to Transform

DestinyDeb's Transformation... an interesting title if I do say so myself. At the time I was choosing it, I don't think I really gave it much thought. But now... lets see what it really says... 

Wikipedia says Destiny refers to a predetermined course of events.^[1] It may be conceived as a predetermined future, whether in general or of an individual. It is a concept based on the belief that there is a fixed natural order to the cosmos.

plural des·ti·nies

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/ says:

Definition of DESTINY

1: something to which a person or thing is destined : fortune <wants to control his own destiny>

2: a predetermined course of events often held to be an irresistible power or agency

Definition of TRANSFORMATION

1: an act, process, or instance of transforming or being transformed

Definition of TRANSFORM

transitive verb

1a : to change in composition or structure b : to change the outward form or appearance of c : to change in character or condition : convert

 

A predetermined coarse of events, that led to an act, process, or instance of changing in composition, or structure, the outward appearance and/or the character or condition...

 

I like that... and it really describes my life to date.

I remember being in my friends house, discussing destiny and predetermination, and at the time I just could not accept it. I was so angry, so wounded and hurt, I remember after "debating" the subject for a while, turning to her and saying, "if predestination is true, then God and I have a problem". and that ended that discussion. It was so hard for me to see in that moment that maybe there was a purpose and a plan for my life, and for all the things I had gone through up to that point. But that moment I think truly began the journey that I have been on ever since.

Let me tell you that I love my life and I love the person I have grown to be, and that in and of itself is a miracle. There was a time that I hated myself and my life to such a degree that I wanted to end both my life and myself. A time when I was in so much pain emotionally and mentally that I just could not function. The only reason I did not become a drug addict or alcholic was because I could not afford it. I had dealt with every kind of abuse imaginable, sexual abuse, emotional, mental, physical abuse, abandonment, rejection. I felt worthless and not only unloved but unlovable. I was trying to care for 4 children alone in poverty, I could not afford to go to work, the cost of day care alone was more then I could have made in a week. For someone to try and tell me then that every thing I had gone through was predestined, or preordained, theatened my faith, and everything else.

Now 20 years later I can see how all of that was part of "creating in me the person I was created to be". The "transformation" that has happened over the last 20 years and the transformation that is still happening is amazing, and one that I am eternally grateful for. The "outside" transformation has just begun. Like a butterfly I think the most important part of the transformation is done inside, hidden from all others... and it is only once that transformation is complete that you can escape from the cocoon and begin to fly.

Where once I hate my life and wanted to end it, Now I love my life and am excited to see what is coming up next. Where once I hate myself and did not want to keep living, Now I can not wait to see what each day brings. I wake up with joy every morning. And because of all that I have been through, I have great appreciation for that joy, for the peace and contentment that I have discovered in my life, and in myself.